Loving and losing is part of the human drama.
We all agreed to witness this. Now, when we come here, we forget that we were always friends even before the drama started and we will be friends even when the drama ends.
Romeo cries when he loses Juliet in the drama. It is important for Romeo to pretend to be sad because the audience is expecting that. But the person playing Romeo has the choice to snap out of that emotion by realising that the person who was playing Juliet is just on the other side of the curtain changing clothes.
My first real experience with death
I can not tell you how to deal with your loss but I can share my story and hope that it gives you comfort. It happened quite late in my life. I was 32 years old and married for 5 years. I was about to loose my grandfather, my rock, my pride, my confidence and my pillar of strength. He was my anchor into this world. I was living to prove myself to him. I wanted to live upto his expectations and his idea of me. All my existence was based on his ideologies. Now, it all seemed to be slipping away. It was not just that he was going away, it was as if I was going away from my own existence. My own existence came to question.
He was 93 years old and in the hospital for 20 days on ventilator. He refused to go. He needed to go but he was scared to let go of the body. I could see it clearly, that I needed to give him comfort and push him into the light.
I whispered into his sleeping ears – “It’s okay! See the light. Move into it. You are safe. You are loved. You will be taken care of.” I do not know from where did I get the wisdom to do this? I just felt words coming out of my mouth from no where. I was feeling scared and powerful at the same time. May be his angels were helping. May be mine. I do not know what was happening. But it all seemed to make sense.
Next day also he did not leave the body. I asked divine – “Why? why is he not going? I heard in my mind – “He is attached to your father. He is worried about him. Will your dad be okay after he leaves?”. I took my father into the ICU and made my father hold my grandfather’s hand and I said first mentally- “The bond between you both can not be broken. Even if you leave, you will still be connected.” And then out loud- “And when you leave, do not worry, we will take care of our father.” I saw my almost comatose grandfather sigh with his eyes still closed. My father jerked away his hand, “What are you saying?”. My father left the room but I felt my job was done.
Next day morning my grandfather’s spirit was not in the body. I felt a release of pain, a calmness came over me. I felt he is free now. He is happy.
And for many days I did not cry. When I returned to Bangalore, I was numb. I did not understand, what did I do? Was it right to push him? Could I save him? Could I do anything? My husband did not agree with my decision. He believed that we could have saved him but for what? To suffer life long on bed? The conflicting emotions gripped me for the longest time. I was immobile for 6 months.
Daily I would lie down when my husband left for office and cry till he comes back. I did not know how to come out of this sadness. I was in this deep pit of emotions. I lost the very foundation and the pillars of my reality. The Earth had slipped under my feet. Now, I did not feel like being a good person. I felt I should be able to do whatever I want even if it hurts others. I should not suffer silently for the sake of other people’s happiness. I felt disconnected from everyone. I had no love to give anyone. I felt empty.
Understanding death as a doorway
Death of the physical body is an inevitable reality but to equate this death to the death of the other emotional, mental , energy and spirit bodies is a grave mistake. The physical body is just a place holder for the spirit. It is not the person whom we loved.
I entered his ICU room at 11am, 23rd February 2018 in the morning with my sister. We saw his body was fully open, he was very tall but old age had made him crouch down and reduce his height by at least 2 feet. We had no attachment to his physical body. Normally on any other day, I would go and massage his hands and feet. Today, I did not even feel like touching it. Why?
We both looked at each other. His vitals were normal because of the ventilator but we both knew that he is not there in the body. We left the room and let our aunts – his daughters, go inside. They came out saying – “He is not in the body.” I was surprised that all five of us felt the same thing that “HE” is not in the body.
We all know at a very basic human and fundamental level that our passed away loved one stays outside the body and it’s only their body that decays.
Imagine that you are in one room and they are in another, you might have to raise your voice so they can hear, this is because of the physical distance. Same way when a loved ones passes to the next dimension, we can’t hear them because of the vibrational difference. We need to raise our vibration so we can keep an open and direct communication channel between us.
After 6 months
I decided enough is enough, I can’t live like this! I need to take charge. I called Yoga teachers to my house. I went to cubbon park to learn Tai Chi. I started meditations. 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours of meditations. I did not know what else to do? I just was trying to come out of my pain. And then slowly slowly things started shifting. I do not know the exact date but eventually I started feeling powerful. I felt that I can create a new foundation for myself. The one that can’t be taken away from me.
After 2 years
I realised after 2 years of losing him that I was starting to sense his presence very faintly. I asked his spirit mentally – “Where were you for 2 years?” He said – “I was here. You could not see me because you believed I had moved far away!” I realised that I had stopped communicating to him. He never stopped. It was my fault and it was because of this that I felt pain.
I started regular communications with him I would sit in meditation and connect with his spirit. In one such meditation, I saw him on my right side and then I saw many ancestors around me, forming a circle around me. Then my grandad starting to turn into a tree and all other ancestors joined in and their branches intertwined and created a shed over me. It was scary in the beginning. I saw their smiling tree faces and it calmed me. I felt a deep sense of safety that my ancestors are my protectors. It grounded me deeply.
Today my connection with him is stronger than ever. He is my guide and teacher. He is also my protector and gives me power to do things. He encourages me to not be lazy and take actions daily. However small, but daily actions on my path are necessary.
Life is fleeting. When someone we love and depend on, leaves, we feel broken and we fall deep into our own self. All our unclaimed powers lie here. You can start to claim them now. In fact you do not really have a choice now. Unless you claim your hidden treasure of powers, you won’t be able to come out of this.
Today, after 3 years of losing him, I am the foundation for others till they make their own. Now my job is to remind others to be their own foundations.
SO, HEY YOU! YES YOU!
YOU ARE POWERFUL!
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS CAN BREAK YOU.
STOP ACTING SMALL.
RAISE YOUR VIBRATION NOW!
CONNECT WITH YOUR LOVED ONE. THEY ARE WAITING!
Anupriya is an Alternative Educator, Holistic Healing Trainer, Trance Medium and now an Author who has mastered many different healing and teaching modalities. She has worked in La Wisdom Alternative Learning Center in Bangalore for 2 years. She has educated children and parents on varied topics like emotional awareness, casteism in india, team work, career choices and addiction awareness etc. She continues to intrigue the minds of young people with her logical and experimental approach. Having gone through her own painful spiritual journey, she also learnt every healing modality that she could get her hands on. She has been training people in – Meditations, Reiki Energy Healing, Emotional Freedom technique, different forms of Acupressure and Reflexology, Ayurvedic Colour Therapy, Sujok, Naturopathy, Bach Flower Remedies, Chakra Healing, Angel Healing and Pendulum Dowsing etc from past 5 years. She has also developed faster healing methods for trauma and abuse victims using various guided meditations, creative visualisations and breathwork. Her faster methods work best with working professionals who have little to no time for themselves and children who have no patience as she teaches very quick tips and tricks to recover from painful circumstances. She also offers longer ‘energy and consciousness’ courses for adults, teenagers and children who wish to awaken a deeper human and spiritual awareness within them.