A healer is born from the ashes like a Phoenix! But once it rises from ashes, it does not hate the trauma it went through. It thanks it, because now it knows something it did not know before!
I am going to share this story by referencing to the woman in the story as I or me or my but I am no longer that woman and I have no emotional connection to her. To me, it is like telling someone’s else’s story. When I describe the emotions of those days and times, they are no longer present around me. But this story is a prologue to the actual real spiritual story that I wish to share with you. The story where you will discover magic each day and every day in your lives as I witness daily almost moment by moment.
So this is the prologue:
About 12 years ago, I was in a very abusive relationship for 2.5 years of my life, he was a very loving person but very possessive. He had learnt what marriage is from his parents and his father was abusive to his mother, so he was abusive to me. He would kindly point out when he will be cursing me, my whole family, my whole existence and calling me a slut and what not – that at least he is not hitting me. My maids said – All men are like this, at least he does not hit! But he did hit me, and that too – in the very core of being (my solar plexus chakra is still recovering from the damage).
I was an outgoing, always happy, party planning person and he made me afraid and worry-some. He made it impossible for me to work in IT company where men and women work together. If I mention a guy’s name, he will in very bad hindi say “Iske saath bhi?” ( that i was slutting around with that person). To tell you the level of insanity with which he controlled my life – I will describe few incidents:
Incident 1 : We were buying milk and the guy gave me money back and as he was putting the money back into my hands, the tips of his finger touched my palm as it does. And he said “You wanted him to touch you, right? You are so shameless.” He did this again and again. For several years, I would ask people to put the change on the counter and i will pick from there.
Incident 2: I had left a Maggi packet open in kitchen, may be for 2 hours. He goes into the kitchen and comes out angry and starts shouting at me “Your whole family is a bunch of idiots! None of you learnt anything! Who leaves a packet open like this… and on and on for 15-20 mins. Till he made me cry , he would go on and on. And several incidents like this.
Incident 3: My sister wanted a man’s coat for shooting, so she asked him for it. He gave it. Then he calls me and says “Your sister will not take care of it, its very expensive, ask her to return it” and when I said “you ask”. He says “No! You ask, its your (bleep) sister and do not tell her that I asked for it. If you do that then samajh lena ki tum kaisi aurat ho, tum mera image kharab karna chahti ho. ( then just think what kind of woman you are, you want to ruin my image). I asked it back. ANd like this he created an awful lot of tiffs between me and my sister. My sister is like my baby, she is my child and he tried to take me away from her. How much ever it was painful for me, it was much more for her, to loose her mother right in front of her eyes.
Incident 4 : We are buying something, he says, “show me your purse” in the middle of the market. He takes it and pulls the money out, i had folded it 2 times and they were not in order. He starts shouting very loudly – “Is this the way to keep money? There is no order. Keep it open, 100s, then 50s, then 20s, then 10s. And till today I can not fold the note 2 times. I do not have trauma but it became a habit. Now I am forecfully changing this habit.
After this incident, I asked him “What are you trying to do with me?” (He loved dogs. He never had friends as a child, so he only knew how to love and be with a dog) He says -“I am training you to be good.” This incident made me realise that I am not a partner to him, I am dog. I must behave as he says else I am no good to him!
Incident 5: He saw from our window a puppy who was in distress. He said , can i go and get him? I said “We wont have any time to take care of it with full time jobs!” He made sad face and said I will help it and come back. He loved Dogs. He was like a Dog charmer. He went and helped the puppy but the puppy started following him, so he called me. I was watching this from the window. My heart melted and I said “Okay bring him”. We started to fall in love with it. My sister was living with me at that time and we both loved it so much. But after a week of this, he started shouting at us and said that we have spoilt the puppy. The puppy is no longer respecting authority. So we need to discard the puppy like a tissue paper. I have not cried so much since that day. And as punishment because she and I had spoilt it, we should go and let the puppy go out. Both me and my sister went crying whole way to a nearby park and left that puppy out. He seemed to be doing okay. Thankfully he did not get attached to us the same way we were to him. We watched from a distance for several minutes and my sister said “I will never forgive him for this!” I was thinking then – “how do i get out of this relationship? It is hurting my sister!”.
And we stopped talking to him, we were crying whole day. looking at the sadness, He went and bought a 12,000 rupees golden retriever puppy to console us. But we said – “We don’t want it”. And we maintained our distance with this dog, so he could train him how ever he wanted.
Incident 6: This incident was the moment I decided to leave him. That dog was 6 months old now and he loved that dog more than he loved me or anyone else. He really loved me, like one loves a dog, not as a partner. So, on this day, he sees something I did wrong and to teach a lesson to me, he hung the dog by dog’s collar on the door handle. It was strangling the dog. The dog was fighting, wimping, crying for help but he pushed me to the bed and this is the first time I hit him. He still did not hit me. The dog became so frightened that he pooped and peed. After he felt that both his actual dog and his human dog have learnt the lesson, he unstrapped the dog and asked me to clean the poop and pee as punishment. THIS WAS IT. I TOLD TO MYSELF – “If he can hurt his actual dog whom he loves more than me, what will he do to me?” “There is no way I can heal him or help him or change him. Get out!”
This was in February and it took me several months to finally leave him in September . I slowly made arrangements for someone to take care of his food, clothes, dog etc and moved away.
And finally I did it. We were in a mall. We were looking for curtains for his new place. A day before – me and my sister had gone to the same mall and she suggested a colour of the curtains. I said – “he will choose his own, leave it”. Next day he selected the same color curtains that she had picked. As soon as he picked it, without even a cue, he started saying “My taste is good, not like your sister’s taste!” all-the-while holding the same curtains that she had picked.
This moment, I felt something inside me, I do not think it was courage. I did not have courage. He had broken every inch of courage I had. I saw those curtains and felt “THIS IS ALL FAKE!” And a voice came out of me. I certainly did not have the power to say these words – “Mujhe nahi rehna tumhare saath“(“I do not want to be with you anymore”). And instantly I regretted saying it in a public place. He will shame me now. Hope he did not hear it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the cash counter, almost dragging me like a dog. I was like “may be he did not hear“. He paid for the curtains, all the while holding my hand like I am also another piece of the curtain. We went down to the section where jams are sold. In one of those aisles – he said “Okay! You do not want to be with me?” I said “
Yes” in a very feeble voice. He said “Okay! Just remember you are doing this to us! you are breaking this!” At that moment – I didn’t understand his response of guilting me, I wanted to be free.
I left crying. I was crying and walking out of the mall to the road to the corner of the road and then suddenly crying stopped. And after some more walking, a smile came on my face and I felt like having Pani-Puri ( A sour tasting dish). I really love Pani-puri. Now finally, I will be able to enjoy it with freedom! I took an auto and as soon as I sat in the auto, I heard a voice from my right side “We are proud of you!” It startled me, I looked left and right – all the while knowing that the voice was not from a human. It was the sweetest gentlest most soothing voice.
Now I know it was my Gaurdian angels! And I did have that Pani-puri by the way!
Though, I had physical freedom from this traumatic life but the real pain was about to begin!
I left my job and Bangalore, went to live with my parents but post-traumatic stress travelled with me! PTSD is hell because now you can not see the enemy yet the trauma is as if he is here all the time. He lived inside my mind for 3 years. I had anxiety attacks. I used to break into cries the minute someone raised their voice or at loud sound of trucks and aeroplanes. I would wait for people to sleep so I can cry without disturbing everyone from 11pm to 4am – I would cry in the balcony. This went on for 6 months. No one understood it is PTSD. They just wanted me to get better magically and start working again.
I had major anxiety attacks, body pains, headaches, and all my blood reports were normal. They said no one in Bangalore has such good Vitamin D and such good sinuses! The pains increased to the level that I could not get out of bed, even on bed I had 24 by 7 pain. I will smile for people, act normal because how long can someone have pain? It always ends! It did not end for me! For the next 5 years, I was in constant pain.
People who loved me thought I am faking pain to get out of doing things and may be for gaining attention! This was even more painful than actual pain. Allopathy failed. Sympathy failed. Empathy quit. Friends had no idea what happened. Relatives hardly cared. Loved ones felt pity for some time. But no one understood.
I tried to commit suicide and saw how life-force leaves from your body but I was somehow saved by god’s grace. It was touch and go. I was in hospital for one or it was two days – I do not remember. But can you believe that it was the most comfortable experience for me?Someone was cleaning and changing me. I did not have to move much. Body was at ease. I had no thoughts. I was in a semi-conscious state – my mind did not have a chance to pollute my mind-space. This was peaceful break from pain. And the hospital had a psychiatrist who gave me his card and it felt like hope in my hands. He said we do naturopathy, ayurveda, physiotherapy, acupuncture, yoga and counselling in one center. Try us! It was very expensive but it was something! Though the pain was constant, the intensity of my pain reduced by 30% after one month of treatment. But my hope increased by 100%.
It took me a few years, but one day I said – I will heal myself now! I see that if the pain can decrease by 30% then of course it can reduce further! I learnt REIKI! I owe my life to REIKI. I have surrendered to this force, I am Reiki’s slave now. It may use me as it wants as it gave my life back – with a bang!
Today I am pain free. (I get knee pain sometimes but that is energetic and related to my mother’s pain and my own guilt.) Today, I can do normal activities of the day with joy and sit in padmasan, do garudasan and even RUN! I am free! I learnt and still am learning everything about this magical body.
So, this is the healer archetype. A journey from pain to pleasure to bliss and enlightenment. I am still walking on this road and observing how it feels to walk this path. There are millions of us in today’s world who are walking this path. I salute you. I know you. I see you. I am with you. I love you in a way you would never understand.
And do not hate the abuser of this story. He did it because at a soul level, I begged him to do this. It was all my doing. I am responsible for my pain. I wanted to understand and experience hurt. So, I thank him daily in my prayers. He is a very beautiful soul, he played this role for me for my growth. I love and bless him.
Slowly I will also share the second part of my story and that is what is blog is all about – where I experience awakening, accepting, surrendering, growing and continuous seeking. Now, knowing what I know, I can not accept if anyone has pain! It is not okay for me in my reality that you live in pain! Whether it is Emotional, mental or energetic. There is no physical pain by the way – only your mind perceives it as pain.
Use me as your personal guide and your pain expert. My suffering has found its final destination in relieving pain for others. May your suffering also finds its final place !
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